National Coming Out Day: “Coming Out Is Such a Personal Journey and a Different Experience for Everyone”

To mark National Coming Out Day we spoke Nikki Redman-Wray, a Head of Growth (Learning & Development) at JCDecaux who shared her story coming out in the 90s, why it's now so important for her to be visible and what workplaces can do to support their LGBTQ+ employees.

Hi Nikki! Thanks for chatting to us! Can you share your experience with coming out? 

Coming out is such a personal journey and a different experience for everyone. When I came out (around 1993), it felt like a very different world.

I had always known that I was attracted to girls, but I didn’t know that being gay was a thing! Every time I blew out my candles on my birthday, I wished that I could be a boy so that one day I could have a girlfriend. By the time I hit my teens, I was by now aware of the terms lesbian and gay but didn’t know anyone who was – I cannot remember any representation, so I felt that I should be ‘normal’ and have boyfriends whilst still having huge secret crushes on girls. I really tried to be straight.

When I was 17/18, a couple of things happened that changed everything. The first thing was the release of “Dub Be Good To Me” by Beats International. Lindy Layton, the lead singer, took my breath away. The second thing was my first visit to a gay club. My friends were in a band and told me that they were playing a set at Tin Tins in Birmingham, and I would like to go with them. WOULD I!! I was there with bells on.

My experience that night has so many layers to it. Firstly, I remember walking down what I can only describe as an alley and coming to a plain door with no advertising. My friend knocked on the door, and a small latch opened to reveal a pair of eyes “Can I help you?” The voice asked. “Yes, we are the band.” With that, I heard about six locks, one by one, unlocking the door, a nervous-looking young man opened the door, looked down both sides of the alley, and ushered us in, locking the door behind us.

I remember being in a dark room, and looking ahead, I saw a metal staircase heading down. I heard Gloria Gaynor and saw lots of colour, people dancing, smiling, and being authentic with same-sex people. I knew I was ‘home’ and life would never be the same. Cliché but 100% true.

Once I decided that I needed to come out, it was very straightforward. Well, when I finally had the courage to actually say those words after ‘beating around the bush’ for ages, the response was usually “It's about time” or “Yeah, I know.”

The hardest ones were my nan’s. I adored my nan’s. We were very close but two generations away. I was terrified that I was going to disappoint them. One of my nans, I sat down and had a conversation with her. I told her that my “friend” was not just my friend and that I was terrified of hurting or disappointing her. We had tears and cuddles when she said, “You could never disappoint me. I love you no matter what.” My other nan was a little more old-fashioned, so I took the easy way out and didn’t say anything. Until one day, I was staying at her house and was going to stay over with a male friend. “Do you mind if we stay in the double bed together nan?” In her broad Yorkshire accent, my nan replied, “Well, he is a gay boy, and you like lasses, so it's not like that will be happening.”

I guess she already knew! 😊

I, like many others I have spoken to, built up coming out to being this huge thing, and in reality, I needn’t have worried at all. I am very aware of how lucky that makes me.

"When I was younger, I didn’t know anyone who was gay. I didn’t have the confidence to stand on my own and be authentic."

How does your organization support and empower its LGBTQ+ employees?

JCDecaux is very LGBTQ+ friendly. We do a lot to help foster LGBTQ+ inclusion. We partner with myGwork to offer development and awareness sessions, which get great feedback.

Do you feel that by coming out, you can encourage others to feel comfortable to come out too?

Yes, 100%.

When I was younger, I didn’t know anyone who was gay. I didn’t have the confidence to stand on my own and be authentic. I think if I had known others, maybe I would have felt strength in numbers or not felt like the odd one out. I think also that having representation at a senior level creates a more inclusive workplace. 

In most organisations that I have worked in for the last ten years, I have been the most senior gay person. So, I have been involved in as much as I can to educate and make myself visible.

It has been proven that being out at work increases productivity. What other advantages do you see in coming out in the workplace?

One of the most important things in the workplace is to feel that you can be your authentic self. That is when an employee will feel most engaged and will produce their best work.

I remember being in a long-term relationship with someone at work, and she didn’t feel comfortable coming out because of the non-inclusive culture. So even though we lived together, we would have to get separate trains or different carriages on the same train, and when my colleagues would ask what I had done that weekend, I had to lie. It totally went against my values, but I also wanted to respect my girlfriend's wishes. It was exhausting; I felt like I was being disingenuous, and I was caught out a few times with my lies and bad memories of what I had said. This caused a few issues with work relationships and trust.

Authenticity not only increases productivity but also increases trust, builds relationships, and increases engagement.

What advice would you give the younger generations of LGBTQ+ people looking to get started in the industry?

The same advice I would give to LGBTQ+ people trying to get into any industry; be yourself, work hard, and be unapologetically authentic. Network as much as you can, get to know people, and pull on that network to get your opportunity.

More and more organizations want their employees to bring their whole self to work. Would you consider working for an organization that does not?

No, absolutely not. You spend 1/3 of your life at work, so I choose to spend that time where I can be authentic and bring my best self to work every day. It is exhausting trying to put on an act day in and day out. I know; I have done it. 

Just before I joined JCDecaux I was contacted and offered a “megabucks” deal for a 12-month contract working in Qatar. The kind of money they were talking about would have been a life changer, but I wouldn’t even consider it.

Growing up, who was your LGBTQ+ role model?

I didn’t have one, this was 1990, and I was really struggling for visibility of someone, anyone, like me!

I remember being at 6th form and trying to find a ladies' football team. Someone said, “You should talk to Lucy in the tuck shop, she plays football, oh and she’s a lesbian”!! I couldn’t have gotten to the tuck shop faster if I had tried 😊

Turned out that Lucy played for Wakefield Ladies FC, so I went along to training one night and met other gay women who had similar stories, and they really took me under their wing. But Lucy was the one I looked up to; I would follow her around like a lost puppy!

Who is your LGBTQ+ corporate role model?

That would be Suki Sandhu OBE.

Suki’s first business was Audeliss (Audeliss Diverse Executive Search - Audeliss), a diverse executive search business that specifically represents LGBT+, ethnic minorities, and women.

The reality is that for many businesses, diversity is still a 'nice to have' and not a strategic imperative, and for well over a decade, Audeliss have been working tirelessly to change that. They are committed to leveling the playing field for women, ethnically diverse, and LGBT+ talent when it comes to executive search and driving change in organisations and creating more inclusive workplaces where everyone can bring 100% of their selves to work.

Suki then founded membership initiatives OUTstanding in 2013 and EMpower and HERoes in 2017 to diversify boardrooms, create more inclusive cultures, and champion role models. In 2018, Suki launched INvolve, a mother brand sitting above these three initiatives, working holistically across LGBT+, gender, and ethnic minority inclusion. Both Audeliss and INvolve are committed to creating inclusive working environments for all.

Suki is an incredible human, and I am very lucky to call him my friend.

"Supporting LGBTQ+ colleagues is so much more than adding a pride flag to a company logo for a month a year. Proactive allyship means being prepared to stand up for what’s right."

Do you have an LGBTQ+ ally role model?

I do; her name is Kirsty Wilkins (Ainsworth).

Kirsty is currently the Head of L&D at Sherman Stirling and is prolific in supporting LGBTQ+ initiatives. One example is that she volunteered for a number of years in the control room at London Pride. That takes up a HUGE amount of personal time and also means that she cannot attend the event herself. She attends many pride events, showing her support and doing what she can on various social platforms to try to educate people on the challenges that the LGBTQ+ community faces.

I actually called out Kirsty in my wedding speech. I said, “When I was younger, I never dared to dream that I would have a wedding day, be able to get married to the one I love. The tireless work that Kirsty does has enabled days like today to happen.”

How do you think allies can support their colleagues coming out?

Supporting LGBTQ+ colleagues is so much more than adding a pride flag to a company logo for a month a year. Proactive allyship means being prepared to stand up for what’s right. Sometimes, that means witnessing and speaking up against direct discrimination. 

Bear in mind that homophobic and transphobic behaviour can be unintentional, resulting more from ignorance or lack of understanding than aggression or hatred. When you call someone out for their words or actions, especially in front of other colleagues, this can feel awkward, embarrassing, or as if you are the person causing the problem, so tread lightly and calmly explain why such behaviour is unacceptable.

Being courageous enough to address the behaviour or words at the time, explaining the negative impact of what has been said/done and what should be said/done instead, not only demonstrates your support for LGBTQ+ colleagues but reinforces positive messaging to other colleagues, helps others positively change their behaviour, and removes this burden from LGBTQ+ people themselves.

The more that allies can help to normalise all forms of representation, the easier it will be for people to come out.

Do you think there are enough LGBTQ+ people at C-level in the workplace? How do you see this evolving in the future?

I think it is important to have representation at C-Level. This is so important to demonstrate to LGBTQ+ colleagues that it is ok to come out and to be authentic at work. I think that we have always had representation at that level (albeit a small one), but those executives themselves have also gone through their own journey and experience in coming out.

I think that the work that Suki has done with OUTstanding demonstrates the work being done in this space. The global Outstanding LGBTQ+ Role Model Lists showcase LGBTQ+ business leaders and allies who are breaking down barriers and creating more inclusive workplaces across the world.

Do you check the Diversity and Inclusion policies of an organisation and same-sex partner benefits before considering working for an organisation? Why?

Yes, I do. Because they will be another indicator of how that organization views and values D&I, it will tell me so much about the organization and if I want to work in their culture..