“Being a queer person and an adoptive parent, we know we were treated differently” Rob Gregory on Parenting Twin Boys and The Importance of Normalising LGBTQ+ Families

Rob Gregory from Budweiser Brewing Group sat down to speak to Zoe Schulz from myGwork about adopting twin boys, parenting through the pandemic and everything in between.

Rob describes his parenting journey as one with a difficult start. He remembers approaching adoption agencies with his husband and the surprise in their eyes at seeing two men show up. He remembers being turned away from agencies. And others that would allude to their lack of ‘suitability’. Then, the moment they’d been waiting for happened. They connected with a local adoption authority and were put on the fast track to become parents. Less than a year later and they were bringing home their twin boys for the first time.

Rob is the Reward and Wellbeing Manager at Budweiser Brewing Group UK&I, the UK arm of global brewer AB InBev, where he’s worked for the past three years. He started his career in sales positions before training in HR roles, originally joining Budweiser as People Partner. He’s now supporting the UK, Ireland, Spain and the canaries, however still jumps at the opportunity to advocate the company’s popular beers like Budweiser and Stella Artois. He also founded its LGBTQ+ Network, Proud Group, which he is now the co-chair of.

It’s no coincidence his role centres on offering support to the people of Budweiser Brewing Group and creating a welcoming space, something he values highly. “I’ve always had a connection to helping people be themselves and be able to sincerely bring their whole selves to work.”

Through this role he’s been able to see real change happen throughout the business, helping launch new resource groups and seeing the organisation grow its understanding of the merit in diversity. “Over the last couple of years, we've been able to just look at the people around us,” Rob explains “and say hold on, we can see strength in complexity, we can see strength in neurodiversity”.

Rob met his husband, Dan, almost 11 years ago on Halloween night and they’d always hoped to start a family together. With many small children already in the extended family and nine nieces and nephews, they knew more or less what to expect. Yet, there’s only so much you can prepare for when it comes to parenting, especially with twins, there will always be a surprise or two. “You read all the books, but until that tiny human is sitting in front of you, you don't know what to expect.”

However, not knowing what to expect isn’t necessarily all bad, Rob explains. “Yes, you get the sleepless nights, you get the terrible twos and tantrums that you didn't expect. But you also get all of the love, the cheekiness and the charm. Those individual quirks are the makeup of a child that you don't expect. It's the little moments where you get the little jokes, or you get the first cuddle. That is a big step for adoptive parents, the first time your child says ‘cuddle?’ and just you know that you've got that bond.

“We adopted the boys at 18 months, so many of the ‘firsts’ had already happened, first steps, first tooth. But we saw it with a fresh pair of eyes and went okay, our firsts are now our firsts. First time you get called dad, first time that child tells you which one’s dad, which one’s daddy, that's a big step. The first time they say, ‘can you help’ or ‘I’ll do it’. It's those tiny moments of magic that we celebrate as a couple.”

Tiny moments of magic are what we all hope for in our families, and often the foundation of our love for one another. However, it hasn’t always been an easy ride with it becoming repeatedly apparent to Rob that their family was not always viewed the same as others. “Being a queer person and an adoptive parent” Rob shares “we know we were treated differently. We know we were looked at differently.” This was made abundantly clear in healthcare settings several times, leading to him and Dan losing trust in a system that is meant to look after them.

On one of these occasions, Rob remembers “My husband was told to stay outside because it was only parents that were welcome. And we said we’re both parents, we’re both adopting the children, but we were told point-blank you can’t be. We got that for some time, it’s not easy.” This is why he believes training should be mandatory for those working within adoption. LGBTQ+ families now make up 1 in 6 adoptions, so they are not an anomaly. He also hopes that help for queer families will continue to grow, being a parent isn’t easy, but with the right support, more LGBTQ+ families can flourish. “We know mental health issue rates can be really high within the queer community, especially for our transgender and non-binary friends. So, it’s important that additional support is there because they are incredible parents too.”

One place he never had to worry about being seen as different, however, was within his team at Budweiser Brewing Group. “My team asked me - what is the right way to support me? ” Rob shares “they asked about the process, how did you do this, how can we refer to your children and really just provided the right level of support that I'd want any other employees to receive. I've been very lucky.”

He also believes becoming a parent has allowed him to better help his team in return. With his family growing, he has strengthened his understanding of the support we all need in the workplace. “I think that I was able to bring myself to work, but now as a parent, I get to do it all over again. I get to go beyond just understanding intersectionality, I get to understand how different backgrounds and experiences really contribute even within those sections. So within, for example, our Proud Group, we have parents, but being a parent was never something that came up as part of our conversation. But now we can layer it and say well actually how are our parents affected, how are our partners affected, how are our children affected and really help round out that experience.”

On top of this, when Rob came back from paternity leave, the workplace he was returning to was completely different. Whilst others had time to adjust to working from home, he’d left work pre-pandemic, then returned mid-lockdown. But he jumped in wanting to make sure that everyone was coping with the change in events. “I came back to working having just become a parent, and I mean with two nearly three-year-olds, there is no ‘just’ about it. But I got to come back to the business and hear from parents how their lives had been affected. And mine was instantly affected from one Sunday into one Monday. I think that enabled me personally to say ‘how do we do this’? How do you do a morning routine and then have screaming toddlers running around you all day with no childcare, no schooling, no nurseries open and still managed to be effective for 9 hours a day? And the answer is you just cannot physically do it.

“It was then going okay, so what conversations have you had? What types of meetings are you having? How do you structure this in a better way to be able to be both a parent and someone that brings your entire self to work? And I think we are still learning how to do that as restrictions change. But we can proudly say that everyone knows a little bit more about our lives. We proudly talk about our plants and our pets and our children and our routines, when we go for a run and the best time to connect with us. I'm really hoping that that continues because it's just brought that extra layer of self into the workplace.” The next step? Supporting Budweiser Brewing Group to create a new Parents and Carers resource group.

Within just three years, Rob has kickstarted three Business Resource Groups, held a conference sharing his experience as a gay dad, pushed conversations around mental health and made sure the topic of inclusion is at the forefront of their workplace. But he still doesn’t want to become complacent, he knows that allyship and education are ongoing journeys. “Our language evolves every single day, but that means we have to educate ourselves every single day. And I think organisations have a responsibility to do that, not just for to tick a box, but to make everyone that walks into the door feels welcome.”

From regularly being asked “Which one of you are the Dad?” to still receiving letters addressed to “Mr & Mrs”, Rob knows there’s a lot that needs to change for LGBTQ+ families to truly be accepted. But the moments of magic within his family make everything else obsolete. And he’s resolute on being a part of the drive for a more equal society, for his workplace, his family and beyond.