Growing up with pride: a mother’s perspective on parenting and inclusion

By Rhi Evans, Service Manager at Vodafone UK

I honestly think one of my largest unconscious barriers to coming out and accepting my own authentic self was the fear of not being able to have my own children. My sister is happily child free and loves being an auntie, but I really wanted to be a mother and found the prospect of fertility treatment or adoption incredibly daunting.

I have been lucky to welcome two gorgeous little boys into the world, with my wife Claire, using reciprocal IVF. We used her eggs and donor sperm, and I carried the pregnancies. The whole experience of going through fertility treatment as an LGBTQ+ person is one thing, but then you face the additional challenges, queries and assumptions throughout maternity and post-natal care, into childcare, and now in our case a new hurdle with our oldest son starting school.

So far our experience of being same-sex parents hasn’t been too bad. Comments have arisen from a misguided assumption or ignorance. Being asked if my wife is my friend or sister at scans and maternity appointments is fair enough, but my wife being challenged on why she was also not going to breastfeed our son during a pre-natal group class was a bit much. The leader of the group obviously realised her misstep midway through the questioning and tried to backtrack by making a joke about the Dad’s on the call also inducing lactation.

We have been lucky with the nursery our boys attend. They are incredibly inclusive and the boys always come home with double sets of gifts on Mother’s Day, and something for Grampy or Papa on Father’s Day. They have taken the time to learn which of us is Mummy and which of us is Mumma. They talk about different types of families and backgrounds in group time. The other children in our eldest boy’s room are fascinated by his two Mum’s coming to pick him up, and on the day’s only I go to collect him am often asked, ‘where is the other Mummy?’.

I’m nervous about leaving this safe environment of nursery. Last Autumn we attended open days for the primary schools in our area, and upon asking one Head Teacher about diversity and our family make-up, I had the response of ‘oh well we have families where the Dad has died’. It’s not the same. Supporting a child from a single parent household is an entirely different thing. I want to know what your policy on bullying is, I want to know whether you promote diversity and inclusion, I want to know whether you celebrate Pride.

A different school we attended had several books on LGBTQ+ themes easily visible on the shelves of their library, and I spotted displays and signage promoting diversity and condemning bullying and harassment across the whole school. I didn’t even feel the need to formally ask about their policies. This is the school we’ve chosen.

I don’t know where the intersection of being LGBTQ+ and also being a parent impacts how I show up at work. I am incredibly sensitive to current news and affairs. Jokes about right-wing politics make me nauseous, because let’s be honest, they’re just not funny.

I’m hyper aware of the world my boys are growing up in. The recent Supreme Court ruling, news about DEI policies being revoked at other companies, and general misinformation specifically around gender identity can sometimes be overwhelming and make it hard to concentrate, but that’s true of all of us in the queer community. The news about social media safeguarding and smart phone usage with children is overwhelming, but that’s true for all of us who are parents. So I guess the intersection comes where I think of when they are old enough to find misinformation and access hate for themselves, and how will I manage my anxiety and stress levels at work whilst battling that at home. I am lucky I guess that parents of teenagers are treading the path before me, and we might have better regulations by the time my son gets a phone.

As a working mother, who is also LGBTQ+, I think I’ve lucked out with my employer and the area I work within. I was recently able to take part in the Stonewall x Vodafone Leadership programme which was an amazing opportunity to connect with other queer people within Vodafone, but also to learn more about progression as an authentic LGBTQ+ leader. Off the back of this I’ve lead sessions with different geographical teams across our area, which have been met with respect, curiosity and appreciation. I have a mentor who is also a working mother and so many working parent role models who are honest and realistic about balancing work with child caring responsibilities.

As we steam towards September and our eldest starting a new school, I think more about the discrimination he or we could possibly face. He doesn’t yet notice the looks when my wife and I hold hands in public. He doesn’t know that some people think he’s worse off for not having a Dad. He doesn’t hear the change of tone when I mention our family make-up. He’s innocent to it all. In fact, until I started writing this I don’t think I’d fully appreciated how sad I am that this beautiful, innocent chapter of his life may be coming to a close. It’s pure proof that children aren’t born discriminatory.

My one saving grace is that I work for an incredibly supportive company with active and engaged networks, informed and educated line management, and robust policies. I know that there are the resources available to support me with whatever comes next.