I’m Bi - Here are Five Reasons Why Bi-Visibility Day Is Important

Tomorrow is Bi Visibility Day which is important because it brings visibility to my community, specifically the bisexual community, who are often overlooked or erased from conversations about the LGBTQIA+ community.

This is called bi-erasure which is the experience of having your relationships or sexual orientation scrutinised or denied when people challenge or deny that bisexuality is a legitimate sexual orientation. Sometimes people do this due to their own biphobia, and other times it is due to lack of understanding or awareness.

Bi-erasure can manifest in many different ways. I could go through all of them here, but the experiences of bi women, men and people who are non-binary, ace, trans etc. are all different. Instead, I thought I’d share five ways I have experienced bi-erasure along with five allyship tips to avoid these missteps and support the bi community, whether you’re an ally or part of the LGBTQIA+ community yourself.

1. Downplaying bisexuality as a phase or experiment.

This is number one because it was my first experience of bi-erasure when I came out for the first time to my best friend who is a member of the LGBTQIA+ community themselves. It’s also an experience most bi people can relate to. For some people, it can be difficult to understand that someone can be attracted to more than one gender because that is not their lived experience. That often leads to beliefs that bisexuality is just an “experiment” while we figure out our sexuality or that it’s just a “phase” on the way to becoming gay or a lesbian. Bi people are also often accused of being “attention-seekers” based on the assumption we’re just doing it to appear more attractive, woke or cool.

Allyship Tip: For some people, trying to understand their sexuality can be a very scary and confusing time so there is a lot of anxiety around coming out. Being told you’re going through a phase or experimenting in response to telling someone you’re bi is not only invalidating, but it can spark intense self-doubt that makes someone distrust whether they know themselves. When someone trusts you enough to be vulnerable and share their identity with you, simply believing them when they tell you they’re bi goes a long way in helping them feel seen and accepted.

2. Feeling like an imposter.

Have you ever heard of bi-imposter syndrome? It’s that feeling of “not being queer enough” for the LGBTQIA+ community so you feel like an imposter when you’re in queer spaces. It’s why (and hold on to your seats, folks) I have never been to a Pride parade. This stems largely from my own coming out experience. But what’s particularly painful is that bi people often come out to those within the LGBTQIA+ community seeking acceptance, but instead of the support they’re expecting, they sometimes experience erasure, exclusion and biphobia there too. It’s the place where we least expect it, so it can feel very isolating because we’re left in limbo figuring out what community we fit into.

Allyship Tip: Make room for bi people in LGBTQIA+ spaces and help them to feel welcome and fully accepted by challenging biphobia and bi-erasure. Most, if not all people in the LGBTQIA+ community can relate to feelings of exclusion and being othered in heterosexual society at one point in their lives. It’s one of the many reasons why the LGBTQIA+ community exists – so we can feel safe to be our unique selves with people who accept us. So, it’s important to ensure this space exists for bi people as well.

3. Assuming I’m straight because I’m in a relationship with a man.

I was in a relationship with my current partner when I finally came out as bi and because he’s a man, people assume I’m straight. It’s not that there is anything wrong with that assumption specifically, but rather the anxiety that comes with having to come out again and again. I’ve often been challenged about my bisexuality with questions like, “Are you really bi then?” But bisexuality doesn’t change depending on your relationship. Being in a ‘straight’ relationship doesn’t mean you’re exclusively straight, the same way being in an LGBTQIA+ relationship doesn’t mean you’re exclusively gay or a lesbian.

Allyship Tip: Avoid making assumptions about a person’s sexual orientation based on their current relationship. When people are in what appears to be a heterosexual relationship, we usually revert to the default assumption that they’re straight, but they may identify as bi or pansexual. The same is true for people in LGBTQIA+ relationships. It’s also important to consider the language you use. Using gender-neutral terms like ‘partner’ or ‘spouse’ to describe romantic relationships can help you avoid making assumptions about people’s sexuality.

4. Assuming I’m straight because I’m feminine presenting.

Again, I’m often assumed to be straight because I’m feminine presenting. And again, while there is nothing wrong with that, my bisexuality is sometimes questioned because I don’t ‘look’ queer. But a person doesn’t need to ‘look queer’ to be bi. Passing as straight as a bisexual person means I have a lot of privileges others in the community don’t. I don’t have to worry about how people perceive me when I walk down the street or how my sexuality might hurt my chances of getting a job. But having to come out again and again and defend my sexuality definitely isn’t a privilege.

Allyship Tip: You can’t tell what a person’s sexual orientation is just by looking at them. But if people don’t fit a certain stereotype (like all lesbians are butch) the default assumption is that they’re straight. Try and get in the habit of questioning yourself when you assume someone’s gender identity or sexual orientation and offer yourself another perspective. The LGBTQIA+ community have done a great job of challenging gender stereotypes, helping us change our perception of what a man or woman is ‘supposed’ to look like. The same is true for the LGBTQIA+ community because queerness is, of course, not a look but a set of attractions, desires, and behaviours.

5. Feeling like I need to prove my bi-ness

Because I’m feminine-presenting and in a relationship with a man, I often feel pressure to prove my bi-ness to people because both of these things make it difficult for people to believe I’m bi. It often opens you up to questions about past relationships which can feel like an interrogation as they look for ‘proof’ of your bi-ness – as if having a queer relationship validates your sexuality. No one should be asked these kinds of intrusive questions, but there can be pressure to answer them just so you’re accepted and don’t feel like a fraud.

Allyship Tip: Past relationships and experiences aren’t proof of a person’s sexual orientation. A person may have never had a queer relationship, but that doesn’t mean they don’t know who they are attracted to. This is something we tend to know about ourselves before we ever even have a relationship. We don’t harbour the same doubt towards straight people. So, keep in mind that the only person who can be sure of their sexuality is the individual themselves. Believe them without doubt when they put themselves in a vulnerable position to share something personal with you.

Although it explains pansexuality rather than bisexuality, David Rose uses wine in this iconic scene from Schitt’s Creek to explain how someone can be attracted to more than one gender.

"I like the wine, and not the label." - David Rose.