No bi-standers: How to be a true bi+ ally

To mark Bi Visibility Awareness Week, Maya Whatton, Senior Digital Marketing Executive, shares her experiences and outlines some top tips to being an active bi+ ally.

When I came out to someone close to me earlier this year, the response wasn’t what I had hoped for but was more or less what I expected. I assumed they probably already knew I was bi - after all, I regularly share bisexuality awareness content on social media, I have a print of two witches kissing hanging prominently in my home, and I often dress in a way I’d probably describe as soft-masc (or as one family member calls it, “Billie Eilish”). Despite these clues, the reaction I received on coming out was anger. Not anger that I was bisexual necessarily, but anger that I hadn’t told them sooner: “Why didn’t you say anything? I’ve always been so liberal!”

This response highlights a common misconception: that simply being supportive in principle is enough. While good intentions are a positive first step, real allyship requires effort. Biphobia and bi-erasure often show up in insidious, pervasive ways, and are frequently unintentional. To counter this, allies need to work to actively unlearn ingrained biases and challenge stereotypes that harm bisexual individuals.

Bi+ people are, in fact, significantly less likely to be out to friends and family compared to their gay or lesbian peers. A Stonewall study from 2020 found only 20% of bisexual people were out to their families, compared to 63% of gay or lesbian people.

Biphobia in plain sight

Since coming out, I’ve faced invasive questions that straight people typically don’t encounter. One person probed, “Is your attraction to women different from your attraction to men? How is it different?” These questions felt intrusive, reducing my bisexuality to something that needed to be dissected and justified.

Even within the LGBTQ+ community, I’ve encountered scrutiny. Jokes about my choice in partner being “too straight” made me feel as though I had to justify my identity and my relationship. Why should my bisexuality be less valid just because my partner happens to identify as male?

This kind of biphobia and bi-erasure is everywhere, and yet too often flies under the radar. Whether through an offhand comment or an unspoken assumption about someone’s orientation, it frequently arises in subtle and underhand ways. It’s so insidious that even I, as a bisexual person myself, have at times caught myself making assumptions that perpetuate the very beliefs I want to dismantle. It’s a reminder that passive acceptance is not enough - allyship demands vigilance, active reflection and unlearning.

Being an effective ally to the bi+ community

So, how can you be an active ally to the bi+ community and support bisexual individuals in a meaningful way? Here's six things you can do:

1. Educate yourself and others: Take time to learn about the diverse experiences within the bi+ community. Understand that bisexuality is not a phase and avoid harmful stereotypes that portray bisexual people as greedy, promiscuous, or confused. Challenge these misconceptions whenever you encounter them.

2. Believe bi+ people: Bi+ identities are valid, and bisexual people present in many different ways. Trust bisexual individuals when they share their experiences, and don’t demand that they “prove” or explain their bisexuality.

3. Don’t assume: Don't assume someone's identity based on their current or past partner(s) or their experience. Bisexuality doesn’t disappear just because they’re in a relationship, whether it’s with someone of the same or a different gender. Take their lead on the language they use to describe their relationships and identity.

4. Use inclusive language: Don’t use "gay" as a catch-all term for LGBTQ+ experiences as this erases bi+ identities. Educate yourself on bi-inclusive language to ensure you’re being respectful and supportive in your conversations.

5. Be accountable: Unlearning biases takes time, patience and vigilance and there may be times where you slip up. It happens - don’t panic, apologise, correct yourself and move on gracefully.

6. Listen and amplify bi+ voices: Sometimes, the best thing an ally can do is listen. Bisexual individuals often face unique challenges, including invisibility and erasure from both straight and queer communities. Give them space to share their stories and use your platform to amplify their voices.

Final thoughts

Bisexuality inherently challenges the rigid, binary ideas about love and attraction that many of us are taught, and true allyship requires ongoing self-examination and reflection to unlearn these assumptions. The reality is that bisexuality exists on a broad and diverse spectrum. There is no single “right” way to be bi+, and bisexual people don’t have to look, act, or present themselves in any particular way to be valid.

Bisexuality is as fluid and multifaceted as the people who identify with it, and each experience within the bi+ community is unique. If identifying as bisexual feels right to you, then you absolutely belong - no matter what others might say or assume.

Happy Bi Visibility Day!