Rainbow Parenting: Lived Experiences
May 5, 2023We recently hosted a panel on the experience of being an LGBTQ+ parent, and the experience of being a parent to LGBTQ+ children. Speakers from various organizations joined to discuss their parenting journey, offering tips to parents who suspect their children might be LGBTQ+, and reflecting upon key moments of being a parent. They also revealed what they would do differently, if given the chance.
Mike Paladino, Global Head at Fitch Group, discussed the importance of allowing children to make their own decisions during playtime. Not only can it help broaden imagination, but it can also potentially provide an early indicator as to whether the child may be LGBTQ+.
“One thing I think is always important is to play with children when they’re younger what they want to play, not what you want them to play,” he said. “You think your children will be clones of you as a parent, but they’re all incredibly different not just from me but from each other. I would sit there and play Barbies or with dolls or play sports, or whatever it was that they wanted to play. Because I think it was important for them to feel like we’re playing on their terms, not trying to conform to others.
“Try to make sure that they feel individually rewarded about how they’re going about their play. I think it opened it up for [his son] to come out at a relatively early age and then be proactive in that community once he did.”
Claire Kennedy, Principle at Mercer, spoke about her concerns towards the anti-trans rhetoric in the media at the moment, and how reminiscent it feels to the homophobic narratives spread throughout the 80s. She particularly pondered on the impact of members of the LGB community perpetuating this transphobia, despite having faced similar discrimination.
“A lot of the reporting and rhetoric that comes out reminds me of the 1980s when I was at school and the conversations about gay and lesbian people. Whether I should be allowed in girls changing rooms and gyms. And exactly the same things are being said now about trans people, which is why it’s shocking that some parts of the LGB community have an anti-trans rhetoric because it feels exactly the same in terms of negative discussions around a very small minority group.”
Marianne Groth, Country Manager at Hitachi Vantara, focused on how vital it is to normalize LGBTQ+ relationships to your children from a young age. When they eventually discover their identity, it will help them not to feel alone or isolated if they’re fully aware of the different types of families and identities there are in life.
“Every time I saw a male couple holding hands, or a female couple holding hands, I would show [my son] and say “See, there’s a couple over there. I think maybe they are married, maybe they are engaged,” and show him all the time all the differences,” she said. “I personally think it’s very important to see that everything is normal. It’s much easier to come out if people see it as a normal part of life, and he actually jumped out of the closet when he was ten years old, so I think it succeeded.”
Natasha Wallis, Senior Relationship Management at Bank of America, chose to discuss the effect of familiarizing friends and family with the correct terms for LGBTQ+ parents and make sure they understand the situation. This is to minimize the chance of the child feeling othered, and to help normalize different methods of parenthood.
“One of the key points that I’ve learned now that they’re school age is to make sure that you familiarize your friends and family with that conversation. So, whatever you use to refer to - your donor, your foster, surrogate, adoptive parent – whatever the words you use, make sure that everybody in your family is aware.”
Kirsty Lacey, Chief Operating Officer at Santander, advised LGBTQ+ people considering becoming parents to consider all options before making a decision. She revealed how her eventual path was not the one she initially expected to take.
“It’s good to have a path, but don’t create a rigid plan. And actually, there’s more than one path. As we went through our journey, we definitely experienced that, we changed tactics a number of times. And what we’ve got now is a situation that we’d have never dreamt of, but it’s an amazing situation for us because a close friend of ours was our donor, he’s part of the boys’ life, they know who their dad is. We never dreamt that when we started our journey – so, don’t have a set path. Also, really take the time to explore all your options, because there is a multitude of ways for families to be created now and that’s an amazing part of the diversity of the world we live in, and I think that’s what we should embrace.”
Tyrone Fletcher, Communications Manager for Lloyds Banking Group, encouraged people who are perhaps apprehensive about becoming a parent. He discussed the pressure to be a perfect parent but maintained that trying your best is all that matters.
“There’s no textbook. You can buy a million books on being a parent, but actually we’re all winging it. That’s the reality, we’re all playing it by ear and pretending we know what’s going on all the time. It’s impossible to be the perfect parent, you will break yourself trying to be perfect. Just take it as it comes, manage everything in the best way that you possibly can.”
You can connect with all of the participants from the Rainbow Parenting: Lived Experiences panel via their myGwork page. Watch the full panel discussion here: