Suicide, Lover of Mine. (Poem)

by Cristina Gaviria, mygwork

Suicide, my love. My sweet, sweet, darling love,

I love you, my dearest. I love you passionately, fiercely, devotedly. You’ve been my companion, my partner and my desire for much too long, and however much I feel for you, I also need to go.

When I met you, the idea and the possibility of you: of owning my being and giving death to myself, I knew hope. Faith that I did not have to endure any pain and agony I was not able to cope with, and from that inability, I also had the choice and the possibility of deciding when I could bear it no more.

You also gave me passion. With you, I felt reignited my zest and fire when faced with injustices. You kept me close when faced with these injustices and gave me the promise of fairness. With your warm and loving embrace, you hugged my anger and rage and reminded me that that too, could pass if I united with you. By looking deep into your eyes and surrendering to your love, the excruciating inconformity and deception of life and the tedium which came from it, would forever dissipate and I would finally get to know peace.

And most important of all, lover of mine, you gave me the most unexpected courage ever. Courage to own my life and decide upon it. Courage to not be willing to resign my humanity for the sake of the world’s hedonistic expectations and obligations. Courage to know that there is possibility of more. And that I, too, could free myself from the judgements and social constructions and notions which have bounded to me to this anguish.

Nobody told me loving you would feel so safe, so protected, so cared for. You embraced my heart and soul and gave me answers to my despair. Hugged my heart and gave me reasons to stay with you forever; together we would repair the ache from the misery and tragedy of life and know that living that throbbing should never be an obligation.

And above everything, to face my desire for you gave me love, compassion, tenderness and eternal might. It came as a shock, my love, that the more I longed for you and the more I allowed my love for you to grow, the more I loved all which you promised. But also, the more I understood that the moment I decided to unite with you, that would be the end of the possibility of having those promises fulfilled. Yes, nobody ever told me, not even you, my darling suicide, that the guarantees from you would never be fulfilled, because the moment we merged, everything would disappear, including those same promises of future peace and harmony. Nobody tells us about your paradox, lover of mine. The love you offer is an illusion and one that would never be obtained. Not even by uniting, by joining or by merging. You cannot protect me and you cannot provide me with the promise of something better. With us, together, there’s no peace, no tranquility, no pleasure and no desire for life. With us, together, all we have is the certainty of nothing. So thank you my love, but it is not us: no we anymore.